Hi, I'm a chubby girl. (Introduction)

The introduction says it all. I'm chubby. Before I even start telling you the most recent events that caused me to write this blog, let's go back in time...

I was a bean pole child, the epitome of skinny, but I developed quickly. I can remember this one time when I was in fourth grade and I believe it was summer, I was hanging off the porch at my house and my mom blurts out, "You really need to start wearing that bra I got you." I was mortified. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized, "It is painfully obvious that I'm not wearing one, isn't it?" From then on, I was constantly picked on for being the girl with the big boobs. Actually, I was picked on for quite a few things when I was younger. But, this story isn't about self-pity, it's about motivation! I could sit here and dwell on all the terrible things kids said about me in middle school when I started getting chubby, and in high school when I was a whopping (and the most I've ever weighed) 225lbs, but kids are mean, let's face it and becoming a jock in high school was hardly my forte.

Well, I showed everyone when I got my almost F (my doctor said they were measured at DDD cup before the surgery) breast reduction a week and one day before I turned 17. I struggled with weight, but before and at least 6 months after my surgery, I was down at 145lbs. It's been almost 3 years now, and my boobs are starting to grow back (which my doctor said would be normal if I did not sustain my weight) , my tummy is forming into a nice muffin top over my jeans if you look at it from the side, and my arms are flabby enough to fly me out to sea.

As you can tell, I'm not exactly thrilled as to the way my body is looking, and to be honest, I never really was. I've always struggled with making that inside happiness come out through physicality and push away the fact that I'm chubby, and try to be confident in who I am. Don't get me wrong, I have pride being a girl with curves, because my butt is a ghetto booty and I have pretty big boobs (even after my surgery they were still a D cup!), but I'm tired (and not just physically) of not being able to be the person I wish I could because my weight makes me so unhappy. I never want to lose my curves and as I start to work out, I hope my butt will be more toned and my boobs will start to shrink back to a D cup, because currently I'm overflowing my D sized bras.

Let me just throw this out there to the girls and women reading this, don't ever try to be something for someone else and don't ever try to be anyone other than yourself. No one is meant to be Mary-Kate Scary-Kate or Lindsay Bone-han skinny and starve themselves to fit into "society's image of what is beautiful." You want to have a goal and also be healthy, so if you are reading this as a girl of 5'9 with a wide frame, don't expect to be 120lbs, it's just not healthy for you!!

So, back to reality. I had this sudden realization the other day (I'm being completely sarcastic when I say this), when I had gone to step on the scale. The last time I had even glanced at that devilish device, the red numbers illuminated the dreadful (and ironically neon red) 187 almost two months ago now, and I knew that I wasn't ready to step on it until a few days ago. Let me just set the scene for you.

I currently live with my mom in her house and I share a bathroom with her and my 16-year old brother, which is cozy and fairly tight-knit. When you walk into the bathroom as a chubby girl, you first are faced with a full length mirror, and when you are getting into the shower, let me tell you how dreadful that can be. On top of the full length mirror greeting you at the door, the scale is conveniently placed underneath it, as it's ally in a war against my body. I walk up to the scale like it's a rabid dog foaming at the mouth and I tap it and a 0 bounces back and fourth and stops in the middle, to let you know that it's now ready to belittle you. Going back to a few days ago, I wasn't sure what to expect. I hadn't been eating especially great (if you call going out to McDonald's at least three times that week even slightly okay eating... ) but, I wasn't expecting the worst. 191 flashed at me and I was defeated. Completely ambushed. I contemplated crying, but snapped myself out of a dramatic exit from the bathroom, because the only person I have to blame is myself. I am only this chubby because I eat out all the time, I never work out and I was completely unmotivated to do so but this time, I'm for real.

Now, I'm not sure yet if I will unveil my real identity yet, or let anyone of my personal friends or family read this, for fear that they will know my "real" weight. Us chubby girls usually like to fib about 20lbs or so, and everyone thinks I probably weigh 170lbs, but only because I've told them so. If they were reading this though, they'd probably chuckle, especially my girlfriend, who's heard the words, "I'm going to start my new diet and work out this Monday" or "I'm really doing it this time!" more than enough times to count on all her fingers and toes. If you are reading this as someone who's trying to get motivated to work out, don't feel embarrassed! Every one of those skinny people you see on the Oprah show who've lost like 100lbs make it look like melting butter off your body, but don't worry, they struggled too! Everyone struggles with weight loss and it only gets harder and more miserable when you try and you stop or fall into old habits, you feel like you keep failing or you can't stick to it, but don't give up yet! I can't even count how many times I have said I'll start eating more greens and stop eating fast food and turned around and did it anyways. It's so easy because it's there and it's cheap and, well let's face it, you're just lazy. But you will get where you want to be, whether you want to lose 10lbs or 100, or maybe you just want to be able to get healthy, in shape, and run around with your kids, dog or whoever it may be that runs alot. Haha. So laugh a little! It makes the days go by easier and you will feel so much better when you've reached the small breaking point hill and you can see your goal. My goal is actually posted in the next blog, this one is just my intro. (:

I'd love to hear from anyone who is going through the weight loss process as well. Please make a post to my blog and if you have a website or a blog, feel free to link it and I will add it to my page. I'm new with this blog, but not to blogging in general. I have a few other random blogs floating around the world wide web that don't matter to this subject, so I won't be linking them to this one.

ChubbyGirlT